The General Contractor: Laying a Foundation
When my wife passed away, my world collapsed. The day after her death, I started posting on social media—not just to let others know she was gone, but because I needed to keep her name alive. I couldn’t bear the thought of her being forgotten. Writing gave me a way to hold onto her.
Only two days later, I wrote about how scared, broken, and lost I felt. I shared things I never thought I would: the sound of my daughter Ava crying for her mother, the small but overwhelming questions—her shoe size, whether she’d had a flu shot, how I was supposed to manage life without the person who carried us all.
I begged God for answers, pleaded with my wife for signs she was still near, and searched for some assurance that she was okay. My faith, once a quiet background hum in my life, was suddenly shattered. If God’s plan was to take my wife, what kind of plan was that?
That’s when I realized how fragile my foundation really was.
Building a Foundation
Grief is like an earthquake. It shakes everything you thought was stable and safe. When it struck me, I discovered that my spiritual and emotional foundation wasn’t built to withstand the storm. I had grown up Catholic, prayed occasionally, and assumed that being a “good person” would be enough to secure a place in heaven. But when Kim died, that belief system crumbled like a house built of straw.
I started reaching out to priests, pastors, rabbis, even spiritual mediums. I read endlessly about death, heaven, and what happens to people who aren’t baptized. I was desperate for reassurance. Sometimes I felt peace, but it never lasted. I’d build up a belief, then knock it down again, starting from scratch.
It took me nearly two years to construct a foundation that could withstand not just this loss, but future storms as well. And that’s when I realized: laying a foundation isn’t a one-time task. It’s a process.
Why a Foundation Matters
Think of a general contractor. Their job is to take blueprints and turn them into a home, starting with a solid foundation. Without that, the entire structure is vulnerable to collapse.
Grief works the same way. We each come into loss with a different foundation—shaped by our faith, our experiences, and the ways we’ve learned to respond to life. Some people seem steady, others feel like they’re crumbling. Neither response is wrong; it’s just a reflection of the base we’ve been building on, sometimes without even knowing it.
When we lose someone we love, our foundation is tested. And if it doesn’t hold, we have to rebuild.
Learning the Maze
A couple of years into my grief, I realized something important: grief feels like it was invented just for you. Until it happens, you can’t fully understand it. I had seen other people lose spouses, parents, even children. I thought I “got it.” I didn’t. Only when I became a widower and had to tell my four-year-old that her mom was gone did I truly meet grief face-to-face.
Healing, I’ve learned, is like finding your way out of a maze. At first, I stumbled around, hitting dead end after dead end. Then I remembered a trick I once taught my daughter during a corn maze: put one hand on a wall and keep it there. No matter how many turns you take, if you stay committed, you’ll eventually find your way out.
Grief works like that. Without a plan, you may still make it through—but it will take longer, and you’ll revisit the same painful places again and again. A strategy doesn’t make grief easy, but it keeps you moving forward.
Laying Your Own Foundation
No one can lay your foundation for you. Therapists, support groups, family, and friends can walk with you, but you’re the one who has to buy into the process. What worked for me may not work for you. But here are some places to start:
- Seek professional support. A grief-trained therapist or counselor can help you navigate the chaos. (Websites like grief.com or psychologytoday.com can help you find someone.)
- Join a support group. Whether online or in person, connecting with others who “get it” can be life-changing. You can also join our Facebook Group Rewriting Myself
- Set small, attainable goals. Focus on things you can control—like revisiting a special place—rather than goals that expect you to control your emotions, like “I won’t cry this week.”
- Strengthen your foundation. Explore resources that align with your beliefs—books, podcasts, prayer, meditation, community.
Remember: this isn’t about arriving at a perfect, unshakable faith or philosophy. It’s about creating a foundation strong enough to withstand the storms of life, knowing more storms will come.
Moving Forward
It took me nearly two years to create a foundation that helped me not only grieve my wife, but face life again. Along the way, I had to tear down and rebuild more than once. That’s okay. Rebuilding is part of the process.
Your foundation may look different than mine. It might be faith, it might be reason, it might be something else entirely. What matters is that it’s strong enough for you to stand on.
Grief is a maze. The path will be long, and sometimes you’ll feel like you’re right back at the start. But with a steady hand on the wall, and a foundation beneath your feet, you will find your way through.
✨ Reflection Prompt:
Take a moment to reflect on what your current foundation looks like. What beliefs, practices, or values give you strength right now? Where do you feel shaky? Write down one step you could take this week to strengthen that foundation—even if it’s something as small as talking honestly with a trusted friend or reading a page from a book that gives you hope.